ON A SUNDAY "MOURN"

Yes, there is a play on words in my title. A pun, if you will.

It is Sunday morning, but it is also a Sunday "mourn"-ing.

The word "mourn" as defined by Webster's Dictionary is "to feel or express grief or sorrow." I think this sums up how I am feeling today precisely because it is Sunday.

I am mourning what Sunday used to be to me, but I am still hopeful for what it can still become.

Allow me to explain. This is a bit of a confession.

I love my Lord. There is nothing good, pleasant, and healthy in my life that I have that is not because of Him. This is a significant conviction in my life. It is imperative that I come into His courts - His presence - with Thanksgiving, Praise, and Adoration.

He wants to be wanted, longed for, loved, appreciated, and reverenced.

God wants to be noticed.

I want to want Him and notice Him as well.

This is one reason for my blog title "Esther Loves Her King."

This attitude has carried me a long way. Thanksgiving and Praise must be a major part of any life to succeed. This I firmly believe.

Even if you don't believe in God (although He believes in you!), you need to have a healthy dose of thankfulness and appreciation for the good things in your life. This only makes sense. A life that is not appreciative of even small blessings leads down a dark road of misery, depression, and eventually evil. This has been played out far too often in society and culture. How many of our criminals felt victimized by life and/or entitled to something but thought "it" was being withheld so they "took back" what "it" was they thought was "rightfully" theirs?

I saw a funny comment that was a play on the O.J. Simpson Trial's "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!" line from Johnnie Cochran that O.J. might say in regard to his theft of the Memoriabilia Dealer at that Las Vegas Casino: "If it's mine, what's the crime???"

This phrase would apply to how so many criminals (and non-criminals alike) see their actions as warranted, "appropriate," and provoked. It's the rationalization of our day. If "this" (whatever "this" is - a piece of property or a human being - scary thought!) is "mine," then I can do "whatever" I want to it. "Whatever" seems to include theft, murder, abuse, torture, kidnapping, rape, etc.

Unfortunately, all these happen WAY too often across the world. These happen way too often with human nature. These issues are not relegated to the United States or "Western" countries. PLEASE!!!! I get so mad when people try to blame everything on the U.S. Human nature ACROSS THE BOARD is to blame. It's the fallen, sin state - not one country. NOT ONE COUNTRY.

But I digress.

[I am noticing as I write "this" that I have a ton of the word "this" in "this" blog. "This" is defined as "what is in the present or under immediate observation or discussion; what is happening or being done now." Sounds right.]

Getting back to and continuing on with my thought and confession here, however. : )

Sundays used to be a time where I joined with like-minded Christian Believers who praised, worshipped, adored, sang, danced, and came thankfully into our Saviour's courts and presence. A person could feel the electricity of the praise. There was truly a sweet presence of the Holy Spirit and the Anointing (that tangible feeling of God's pleasure at being adored by His creation and power that He is there).

If you've never had such an experience in worship and thanks, I encourage you to ask the Lord for it. I would even welcome you to experience it for yourself online since this is the forum of our meeting. Even though I didn't agree with everything at my previous church (Who does? There's no perfect church) before moving two years ago, I never had an issue with our Praise and Worship Time. It was vibrant, on-fire, raw, and real! The link to my previous church prior to this most recent "horrific" one can be found at this link: http://www.christtemplechurch.net/, and they do live online streaming casts of their Sunday morning and evening services. Tune in to see what I'm speaking of.

[[[As an important clarification since the word "temple" is in my previous church's name, I am not Mormon. I am of a Charismatic/Inter-Denominational Faith. I believe the Gifts of the Holy Spirit (Speaking in Tongues/Heavenly Language, Healing, Miracles, etc.) are still active today and did not go away at the Apostolic Foundation of the Church. Just thought you might like to know. Although I truly love my Mormon friends, it is important to note that Mormonism IS NOT true Christianity. They do not believe that Jesus is the ONE and ONLY Saviour for the WHOLE UNIVERSE. Period. They believe that He was/is an example on this planet for them to be their own Saviours on another planet in the after life. They can say that "Jesus is Saviour" here because they mean that He was the Saviour "Model /Mentor/Example" for this planet only but that doesn't mean the same as when a Christian says that Jesus is the ONLY WAY, TRUTH, and LIFE for not just the whole world, but the whole universe. Jesus wasn't an example. He was literally a blood sacrifice. There are many other components to the Mormonism cult (and, unfortunately, that's what it is) that do not line up with Christianity, but suffice it to say that Mormonism is not Christianity, and, also, I didn't start writing this blog to digress again about Mormonism. Interesting how this happened.]]]

As to why I would "mourn" the loss of vibrant Sunday worship and praise with fellow Believers, I have been hesitant to go back to church after a horrific experience at the church where I was attending last year after moving here to the beach two years ago.

I will not go into the exact details of what happened at this "church," because it is still unsettling and painful to this day, but the memories are not as bad as they once were thanks to my Christian Counselor Susan who I am most appreciative to for walking me through the trauma.

And trauma it was. Period.

I will not share the names of the church or people either, because I still pray for these people to this day. God wants better for their lives.

Suffice it to say, though, that what I thought was a place of people who really cared about me and actively sought to welcome me in and ingratiate themselves in my life turned out to be a group of individuals who have a very limited understanding of Christianity and who really wanted to control me. They have one leader/pastor who they look to for everything in their life in the name of "proper submission" to the Lord, and, although I believe in proper respect of authority, this level of "giving over" is a scary prospect. I had sincere and authentic questions about this, and in this dynamic, any questioning of authority or of the "pastor" is seen as rebellion and likened to "witchcraft." Getting the picture? Interesting, huh?

To succinctly sum the situation up, I was abused and violated in an offensive and most egregious manner. It was a spiritual and emotional violation for sure, and I was extraordinarily scared and scarred by the incident and experience.

Even if all the things that I was accused of were true (which they were far from true), a fragile soul who God totally loves would still have been at stake, and the behavior of the "pastor" and a few other "members" was totally in violation of this. The accusations said more about the insecure, fearful, and controlling state of mind of the "pastor" and those "members" than about me. The level of anger, hostility, and rage were completely disproportional to any perceived circumstance.

As a female at an extremely vulnerable place in my life last year (and the year before that) with three major life situations/crises occurring, I was a fine "candidate" for "being welcomed in" by what seemed like such "loving" people. Even if I wasn't a female, the life situations all occurring at once would have caused anyone - male or female - to pause and be drained. Although hard working and independent, I was at a point in my life where I had just moved by myself to a completely new area and was dealing with two emotional life circumstances, and, although I had made great acquaintance friendships while teaching, I had not made any real personal connections at that point. Voila! I was befriended by a woman who I really liked and got along with well, and who I believe to this day is not treated appropriately in that environment, but she is so intertwined in it, I don't think she can see any other way but how it has always been.

Once the entry friendship occurred and I began to attend regularly, then the step-by-step process of "breaking my will down" began by the "pastor" [I hesitate to call him that now.]. I didn't see it then, but I can, of course, see it now. I was an easy target for the "pastor" because I was by myself without anyone else in the area "looking out for me" or "having my back." This led to what eventually happened and what drove me away from such an unhealthy church environment. I give God praise for that aspect - that I left. It is what needed to happen.

Please understand that in writing all this, I am not wanting to discourage any person from going to a healthy church environment. As a matter of fact, this post is entitled "On a Sunday Mourn" because I miss the truly HEALTHY, CORRECT, and RIGHT environment that fosters true praise and an atmosphere of thankfulness. There is nothing like it when you are with other Believers focusing on a God who loves you and thanking Him for loving you. There is a palpable and tangible presence of God with His love pouring out on you. Truly this is real.

When it comes to the previous situation, however, there were signs that I didn't heed properly about this "church" from the start. I can see them now, and I will not make that same mistake twice, but then I didn't see the signs properly.

Where the dilemma comes in is that I haven't wanted to go back to church since the incident in August 2006. Oh, I have visited other churches, but I haven't found a place where I feel "safe" and "comfortable," and that problem lies within me based on my previous experience. I am hesitant now to get involved in a church, and this is a person who was once actively involved in a ministry in a mega-church and traveled the country with an internationally best-selling Christian author and speaker. It is amazing how life and perceptions change.

I do want to get involved with a church, but, in the meantime, I watch online services or I just simply enjoy my Sunday morning with my own personal time of prayer and Bible Study. It has become a routine and a habit that I feel I need to change and break - not the praying and Bible Study, mind you, but not attending church regularly. I need to be in a sanctuary with other Believers lifting up our hands and hearts to a God who is captivated by us - for whatever reason - flaws and all, but He loves us.

I want God to know that I want Him, and I want to stand with other Believers who feel the same.

I want Him to be our focus in that given time.

Not each other.

This is what I need Sunday Morning to become again for me.

For a glimpse of the concept of burning with love and passion for God, visit this link which takes you to a very brief written reflection by one of my favorite authors Bob Sorge: http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word/5726 See my "Connections of Interest" sidebar as well for The Elijah List website.