ON A SUNDAY "MOURN"

Yes, there is a play on words in my title. A pun, if you will.

It is Sunday morning, but it is also a Sunday "mourn"-ing.

The word "mourn" as defined by Webster's Dictionary is "to feel or express grief or sorrow." I think this sums up how I am feeling today precisely because it is Sunday.

I am mourning what Sunday used to be to me, but I am still hopeful for what it can still become.

Allow me to explain. This is a bit of a confession.

I love my Lord. There is nothing good, pleasant, and healthy in my life that I have that is not because of Him. This is a significant conviction in my life. It is imperative that I come into His courts - His presence - with Thanksgiving, Praise, and Adoration.

He wants to be wanted, longed for, loved, appreciated, and reverenced.

God wants to be noticed.

I want to want Him and notice Him as well.

This is one reason for my blog title "Esther Loves Her King."

This attitude has carried me a long way. Thanksgiving and Praise must be a major part of any life to succeed. This I firmly believe.

Even if you don't believe in God (although He believes in you!), you need to have a healthy dose of thankfulness and appreciation for the good things in your life. This only makes sense. A life that is not appreciative of even small blessings leads down a dark road of misery, depression, and eventually evil. This has been played out far too often in society and culture. How many of our criminals felt victimized by life and/or entitled to something but thought "it" was being withheld so they "took back" what "it" was they thought was "rightfully" theirs?

I saw a funny comment that was a play on the O.J. Simpson Trial's "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!" line from Johnnie Cochran that O.J. might say in regard to his theft of the Memoriabilia Dealer at that Las Vegas Casino: "If it's mine, what's the crime???"

This phrase would apply to how so many criminals (and non-criminals alike) see their actions as warranted, "appropriate," and provoked. It's the rationalization of our day. If "this" (whatever "this" is - a piece of property or a human being - scary thought!) is "mine," then I can do "whatever" I want to it. "Whatever" seems to include theft, murder, abuse, torture, kidnapping, rape, etc.

Unfortunately, all these happen WAY too often across the world. These happen way too often with human nature. These issues are not relegated to the United States or "Western" countries. PLEASE!!!! I get so mad when people try to blame everything on the U.S. Human nature ACROSS THE BOARD is to blame. It's the fallen, sin state - not one country. NOT ONE COUNTRY.

But I digress.

[I am noticing as I write "this" that I have a ton of the word "this" in "this" blog. "This" is defined as "what is in the present or under immediate observation or discussion; what is happening or being done now." Sounds right.]

Getting back to and continuing on with my thought and confession here, however. : )

Sundays used to be a time where I joined with like-minded Christian Believers who praised, worshipped, adored, sang, danced, and came thankfully into our Saviour's courts and presence. A person could feel the electricity of the praise. There was truly a sweet presence of the Holy Spirit and the Anointing (that tangible feeling of God's pleasure at being adored by His creation and power that He is there).

If you've never had such an experience in worship and thanks, I encourage you to ask the Lord for it. I would even welcome you to experience it for yourself online since this is the forum of our meeting. Even though I didn't agree with everything at my previous church (Who does? There's no perfect church) before moving two years ago, I never had an issue with our Praise and Worship Time. It was vibrant, on-fire, raw, and real! The link to my previous church prior to this most recent "horrific" one can be found at this link: http://www.christtemplechurch.net/, and they do live online streaming casts of their Sunday morning and evening services. Tune in to see what I'm speaking of.

[[[As an important clarification since the word "temple" is in my previous church's name, I am not Mormon. I am of a Charismatic/Inter-Denominational Faith. I believe the Gifts of the Holy Spirit (Speaking in Tongues/Heavenly Language, Healing, Miracles, etc.) are still active today and did not go away at the Apostolic Foundation of the Church. Just thought you might like to know. Although I truly love my Mormon friends, it is important to note that Mormonism IS NOT true Christianity. They do not believe that Jesus is the ONE and ONLY Saviour for the WHOLE UNIVERSE. Period. They believe that He was/is an example on this planet for them to be their own Saviours on another planet in the after life. They can say that "Jesus is Saviour" here because they mean that He was the Saviour "Model /Mentor/Example" for this planet only but that doesn't mean the same as when a Christian says that Jesus is the ONLY WAY, TRUTH, and LIFE for not just the whole world, but the whole universe. Jesus wasn't an example. He was literally a blood sacrifice. There are many other components to the Mormonism cult (and, unfortunately, that's what it is) that do not line up with Christianity, but suffice it to say that Mormonism is not Christianity, and, also, I didn't start writing this blog to digress again about Mormonism. Interesting how this happened.]]]

As to why I would "mourn" the loss of vibrant Sunday worship and praise with fellow Believers, I have been hesitant to go back to church after a horrific experience at the church where I was attending last year after moving here to the beach two years ago.

I will not go into the exact details of what happened at this "church," because it is still unsettling and painful to this day, but the memories are not as bad as they once were thanks to my Christian Counselor Susan who I am most appreciative to for walking me through the trauma.

And trauma it was. Period.

I will not share the names of the church or people either, because I still pray for these people to this day. God wants better for their lives.

Suffice it to say, though, that what I thought was a place of people who really cared about me and actively sought to welcome me in and ingratiate themselves in my life turned out to be a group of individuals who have a very limited understanding of Christianity and who really wanted to control me. They have one leader/pastor who they look to for everything in their life in the name of "proper submission" to the Lord, and, although I believe in proper respect of authority, this level of "giving over" is a scary prospect. I had sincere and authentic questions about this, and in this dynamic, any questioning of authority or of the "pastor" is seen as rebellion and likened to "witchcraft." Getting the picture? Interesting, huh?

To succinctly sum the situation up, I was abused and violated in an offensive and most egregious manner. It was a spiritual and emotional violation for sure, and I was extraordinarily scared and scarred by the incident and experience.

Even if all the things that I was accused of were true (which they were far from true), a fragile soul who God totally loves would still have been at stake, and the behavior of the "pastor" and a few other "members" was totally in violation of this. The accusations said more about the insecure, fearful, and controlling state of mind of the "pastor" and those "members" than about me. The level of anger, hostility, and rage were completely disproportional to any perceived circumstance.

As a female at an extremely vulnerable place in my life last year (and the year before that) with three major life situations/crises occurring, I was a fine "candidate" for "being welcomed in" by what seemed like such "loving" people. Even if I wasn't a female, the life situations all occurring at once would have caused anyone - male or female - to pause and be drained. Although hard working and independent, I was at a point in my life where I had just moved by myself to a completely new area and was dealing with two emotional life circumstances, and, although I had made great acquaintance friendships while teaching, I had not made any real personal connections at that point. Voila! I was befriended by a woman who I really liked and got along with well, and who I believe to this day is not treated appropriately in that environment, but she is so intertwined in it, I don't think she can see any other way but how it has always been.

Once the entry friendship occurred and I began to attend regularly, then the step-by-step process of "breaking my will down" began by the "pastor" [I hesitate to call him that now.]. I didn't see it then, but I can, of course, see it now. I was an easy target for the "pastor" because I was by myself without anyone else in the area "looking out for me" or "having my back." This led to what eventually happened and what drove me away from such an unhealthy church environment. I give God praise for that aspect - that I left. It is what needed to happen.

Please understand that in writing all this, I am not wanting to discourage any person from going to a healthy church environment. As a matter of fact, this post is entitled "On a Sunday Mourn" because I miss the truly HEALTHY, CORRECT, and RIGHT environment that fosters true praise and an atmosphere of thankfulness. There is nothing like it when you are with other Believers focusing on a God who loves you and thanking Him for loving you. There is a palpable and tangible presence of God with His love pouring out on you. Truly this is real.

When it comes to the previous situation, however, there were signs that I didn't heed properly about this "church" from the start. I can see them now, and I will not make that same mistake twice, but then I didn't see the signs properly.

Where the dilemma comes in is that I haven't wanted to go back to church since the incident in August 2006. Oh, I have visited other churches, but I haven't found a place where I feel "safe" and "comfortable," and that problem lies within me based on my previous experience. I am hesitant now to get involved in a church, and this is a person who was once actively involved in a ministry in a mega-church and traveled the country with an internationally best-selling Christian author and speaker. It is amazing how life and perceptions change.

I do want to get involved with a church, but, in the meantime, I watch online services or I just simply enjoy my Sunday morning with my own personal time of prayer and Bible Study. It has become a routine and a habit that I feel I need to change and break - not the praying and Bible Study, mind you, but not attending church regularly. I need to be in a sanctuary with other Believers lifting up our hands and hearts to a God who is captivated by us - for whatever reason - flaws and all, but He loves us.

I want God to know that I want Him, and I want to stand with other Believers who feel the same.

I want Him to be our focus in that given time.

Not each other.

This is what I need Sunday Morning to become again for me.

For a glimpse of the concept of burning with love and passion for God, visit this link which takes you to a very brief written reflection by one of my favorite authors Bob Sorge: http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word/5726 See my "Connections of Interest" sidebar as well for The Elijah List website.

MY PERSONALITY TYPE - "The Giver"

By request and "tag," here is my Personality Test Profile. I have taken this before (actually, quite a while ago), and I had the exact same result. Interesting. I guess I must really be a giver. Need something??? LOL

Although I love being a "Giver," it can also be a weakness if I'm not careful. In my previous "Middle Name Game" post, I commented that sometimes I am too much of a "Giver." Clearly, this test lines up with that assessment.

My comments are embedded below in BLUE.

You Are An ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. In love, you are very protective and supporting. However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous. [I don't know if I agree with the "jealous" part, so back off and move away slowly. Tee-Hee.] At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential. [Love this, because it is the way I teach!] You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist. [Woo-Hoo on being a good writer since I teach English, but not so sure about HR Director or Psychologist. I can get too invested in people's burdens if I'm not careful.] How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive [Trusting? Definitely.] When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud [Fascinating.]

What's" Your Personality Type?

THE MIDDLE NAME GAME

I've been "Tagged" by Green (He's sooooo fresh. Hmmph. Tee-Hee.) for the "Middle Name Game."

Okay. I'm game. Way Cool!

Here are "The Rules":

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts. (Got it!)
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

L - Loquacious: In my life and profession (High School English Teacher), I am quite verbal and use a lot of words - both spoken and written. [Note: I would also like to say that I'm a Lover for the L, because I think I am quite loving and caring.]

Y - Yearning for More of God: This seems self-evident. I love Jesus, and He is my Sweet Lord and Master. I want and need more of Him, and I need to be conformed and transformed into more of His image. I would rather risk making a mistake in my search for deeper intimacy with the Lord than to never have ventured forward in the journey. [Another Note: I would also say Youthful for Y, because I am youthful both in appearance (relative to my age) and in my demeanor and outlook on life. I treasure that I generally have an optimistic and youthful outlook.]

N - Neighborly: Two of my strongest gifts are hospitality and exhortation. I am a good "neighbor" to my friends or otherwise. I want to make others feel good about themselves. This is one of the biggest reasons for success in my classroom. I strive to help my students love and believe in themselves while bringing them along in the academic ledger. When I host others, I always think of what they would like first. Sometimes I am such a big gift-giver, it can actually be a weakness, and one I have to be mindful of.

N - Naive Neophyte: Neophyte means "beginner or novice," and Naive means "innocent or trusting." I am both of these in regard to life in a lot of ways. I am a neophyte in two senses. In the figurative sense, I feel like I am "new" to the beauty of things in life. Everything seems fresh even if I already know or have experienced something. I have "new" eyes. In the literal sense, I am a neophyte because I am beginning all over again in a particular area of my life. I feel like a beginner or novice in that area, but I am not alone (Whew!). As to Naive, I do not mean this as "stupid." I mean this to say that I tend to believe the best about others and I can be a little too trusting and innocent in my belief in other people who may or may not deserve my confidence. I think most of us can relate to this to some degree.

There you go! I must now tag four other individuals, so I tag: Aimee, Stephanie, LoLo, and Constant Rain.

BREAKING OUT OF THE BOX - RECENT PHOTOS of ME from FALL 2007

Here I am. Yes, I am.

Not being narcissistic or anthing like that, I am just trying to "save" my images for posterity, and let you know a few more sides of me!

Based on some of the images above, I am actually "coming out of my box" - my self-imposed, "Never Take A Picture or Be Seen Without Make-Up" Rule. I know that I'm not the only woman in the world who thinks this way. Right, Ladies? Surely, I'm not.

Even though I do not wear a lot of make-up in the first place, it has often been the case that I think (and have felt insecure about) that I am a completely different looking person (i.e. ugly and the most unattractive woman in the world) without make-up. With the little make-up I wear and when I have it on, I actually think I am pretty and attractive, but I have really struggled with my self-image without make-up. Growing up, my Grandmother and Mother would always emphasize that a woman should never go out in public without make-up and/or being fully dressed up with her hair fixed. The underlying meaning was that it made the woman look "bad" and "unattractive" - like she didn't care about herself - and "womanhood" couldn't have that. Oh no!!

It has only been in recent years that I have come to realize that I am beautiful with or without make-up. I am the same on the inside with or without make-up. Make-up doesn't make me any better on the inside. It just means that I have a different "look" without make-up. I know that I am an attractive woman because God made me as I am, and I have A LOT of great attributes to offer others - a good personality, humor, love, intelligence, some wit, care, prayer, and a love for my Lord and Sweet Master.

Perhaps most women struggle with the dilemma I have stated above in regard to how they feel about themselves without make-up. If so, I hope that you take away from this the desire to reveal yourself without make-up. I think men need to see us both ways. Sure there is a place for professionalism and "looking nice," but I think there should also be a place for honoring our "natural" look as well.

Whew! What a relief! I can't believe I let you see me without make-up.

The box has truly been smashed.

O.J. IS BACK? HE NEVER LEFT

I awakened to the news today that O.J.'s "mock"/"faux" confessional book IF I DID IT hit the bookstores. This wasn't the most surprising component of the O.J. saga, though.

"Allegedly" while we all slept, Mr. Simpson (Does he even deserve the moniker "Mr."?), along with four other accomplices, saw fit to rob a memoriabilia dealer at a Las Vegas hotel and casino.

Nice, O.J. Real nice.

The book was not a surprise since it was such an outrageous piece of literature when his Literary Agent first tried to proffer it to the publishing community in the Spring of this year. A public backlash ensued, and rightfully so.

The book rights were awarded to the father and sister of victim Ronald Goldman who was also murdered with Nicole Brown Simpson in front of her Brentwood home. All proceeds from the book go to help repay the Civil Settlement won against Simpson by the Goldman and Brown families. The Goldmans are giving their money to a charity that helps women extricate themselves from domestic violence and abuse. This alone gives me reason to be a purchaser of the book.

Simpson wrote the book with a Ghost Writer and claims that it is a mere piece of fiction. Some of the details of the book have been read today on the news. I have seen the highlights of these. Outrageous is all I can say. His book is no work of fiction. Although they disagree on the release of this book, the Goldman and Brown families both agree, as do I, that this is no work of fiction. The details and thought process are too specific.

Which brings me to my title post today: "O.J. is Back? He Never Left." Let me clarify.

O.J. represents the worst of the worst when it comes to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In his case, it has nothing to do with his race or racial prejudice. This disorder is based on the false belief that "I" am so important to myself and others that I am, literally, infallible. O.J. believes his own rhetoric and believes he is immune to consequence of any kind. He lives in a false verbal reality. He believes that he is so "great" that he can convince any and all of us of what he really wants us to believe - regardless of the actual facts, truth, and/or reality of a situation. When O.J. got away with murder on that day and again at the ridiculous jury trial, that belief was solidly engrained in his psyche forever. His false reality met reality for a moment, and it was proven out that day.

Guess what?

When I question "O.J. is back?" I posit that in his mind, and, unfortunately, today in ours, he never left. O.J. is a legend in his own mind. I would, however, like it to stay there.

The bad news in all this?

Besides O.J., of which he is the poster boy, narcissism is the order deluxe of our day for psychological disorders and otherwise.

Come on. I teach teenagers. I know the narcissistic personality: "I can do ANYTHING I want without repercussions or consequences because "FOR ME" the rules really do not apply. My 'personal wants' outweigh shared responsibility because it is all about ME anyway."

I hear it all the time from students. I know how to deal with it. They are teenagers and can grow to learn better.

It's when it comes from the parental adult role models reinforcing that notion in their child and in themselves that I know it's only going to get worse.

How many more O.J.s are out there now?

God help us.

Addendum on Sunday, Sept. 16: As of 2:30 p.m. today, O.J. Simpson has been arrested by the Las Vegas Police Department and charged with the serious felony of Armed Robbery. This could lead to 2 to 5 years (or substantially more) in prison. An odd turn of events that he is now in jail for alleged Armed Robbery given that he got away with murder. He is a Sociopath and a Narcissist. It has nothing to do with the color of his skin and police prejudice. It has everything to do with his mental state. Brains know no color. I guarantee you: This is To Be Continued. . .

I'VE BEEN MISSING OUT

Clearly, I've been missing out. . .


and I didn't even know it.


My entry into this particular blogging community has only been recently. I submit into evidence my first post entitled "Smudging the Ink" and dated September 2. Very recent.

As I have taken moments here and there to travel around the posts and comments, I have been really impressed with the level of discourse, comradery, genuine interest, friendliness, and respect that I have read and seen. While many of the posts focus on the "everyday," "fun," and "trivial" (which are all just as interesting, I might add), there are many really deeply and engaging philosophical and spiritual discussions. Life is made of the same, so why would that not be the same on a blog which is essentially an online life journal?

Probably what I notice most, though, is what I suspected from the beginning. This blog community (or at least my entry point and the links therein) represents men and women who are closer to my age and have similar interests (the 30+ set). MySpace and Xanga are comprised of younger audiences and, although they do have blogging components, are largely visual mediums.

Teenagers are highly visual. They have to be visual with all the technology. I teach English to teenagers and know their predominant learning styles. It can be challenging fostering a love of the printed word whether on paper or on a screen to an audience very comfortable with one to two second screen changes.

I am, however, a lover of words. I love words. I love letters. I love the English alphabet. I love cards. I love puns. I love the journey that the letters take you on.

Give me words. Give me lots of words!

But only give them to me if they truly mean something.

My impression here on Blogger is that the people who are writing mean what they say and are enjoying doing the writing.

Oh, what a wonderful thought! Enjoying doing the writing. Enjoying the writing process!

An eager audience recording thoughts of all kinds, daily vignettes, inspirational interactions, deep conversations, prayers, heartache, pain, happiness, head-scratching moments, life questions, silly observations, and fun quizzes (too!).

I like what I see so far. Perhaps you'll like what you see here too. . .

and I won't be missing out anymore.

YOU KNOW IT'S FOOTBALL WHEN. . .

As a High School English Teacher, I obviously work with a variety of students, and since I've been in education for thirteen years, I have my share of humorous stories.

In all my years, though, I think I heard one of the funniest, sincere answers on the part of a student just this past Friday.

At this early stage of the school year, I am working with my students on turning questions into statements to make a quality topic sentence and/or thesis statement. The worksheet I created and gave the students (which I've used for several years) included fifteen very basic questions to answer.

One of the questions was "What is your favorite season?" with the obvious choices being Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall.

After the students were finished, I called on a few to provide their converted statements for examples. I posed the question above to one of the boys in my all boys' Freshman English class.

"What is your favorite season, Jaquetz?"

With the sincerest of answers, he responded, "My favorite season is Football."

It was all I could do but laugh, and laugh I did.

Wanting some more information on this young man's choice, I prompted him to tell me the other seasons.

His response? "Football, Baseball, Basketball, and Soccer."

A true sports fan if ever there was one.

I dedicate this little classroom moment to all you football fans.

Are you ready for some football??