BUILDING EXPECTANCY

Fall is a great time of the year, but I do not care for Halloween. Never have.

I did, however, step out of my paradigm and attend a close friend's Halloween/ Birthday Party Celebration this past Saturday. I even dressed up as a little girl ready for bed or a slumber party.

Some of the pictures are included here.

My friend Fondue Princess (see Sidebar) is dressed as Lucille Ball. She looks adorable, and she is 8 months pregnant! What a funny red wig!

Note: Yes, there were guys at this party, but only the Birthday Boy (My Friend's Fiance) was "sort of" dressed in costume. The ladies went all out, though. See?

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I heard something very wise here recently by Joyce Meyers, a noted Christian author and speaker. She was dealing with the problem of building expectancy in others but not following through.

God calls us to be people of integrity. We need to be careful with our words and honest in all our actions. Better to be overly honest than to err on the side of any falsehood.

Yes. Easier said than done sometimes, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

In this world, it is easy to have the best intentions. Intentions, however, don't always equate to action.

We may have the best of intentions when we say, "We'll talk" or "I'll call you" or "Let's get together for lunch or dinner sometime," but if we even mean that to be "sometime" out in the distant future, we might very well have built an expectancy in the other person for it to be more solid of a commitment. That other person may be expecting it to occur.

We must be very careful about building an expectancy with loved ones, family, friends, children, and acquaintances.

It is better not to offer the words or suggestions if your intention isn't really serious.

I found this to touch me.

I think I need to use my words more sparingly when it comes to the best of intentions.

MORE QUIZZES!

Here are some more quizzes to enjoy! I don't agree with all parts of these, but they're cute!

You Communicate With Your Ears

You love conversations, both as a listener and a talker. What people say is important to you, and you're often most affected by words, not actions. (I do have such a trusting heart so often that I can be fooled by words. I give the benefit of the doubt too often. I learned this the hard way and with a very hard life lesson with my ex.) You love to hear complements from others. And when you're upset, you often talk to yourself. Music is very important to you. It's difficult to find you without your iPod.

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 85%

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is Very High You've spent a lot of time introspecting, and it's really paid off. You are comfortable with who you are, and you have a life philosophy that you are happy to live by. And you're always re-evaluating what you believe. Because you learn something new about yourself each day!

You Are Strawberry Kiss Lip Gloss

When it comes to life, you want the best of everything: The best clothes, the best friends, the best guy - and you usually get all three. You impress most people you meet with your genuine class and style Strawberry is a classic, admired flavor that goes with many things. Sound familar?

Mocha Frappuccino

Hyper and driven, you'll take your caffeine any way you can get it. (I pretty much drink only Decaf anything all the time.) Frappuccinos are good, but you'd probably chew coffee beans in a crunch! (I do like chocolate covered expresso beans!)

DID YOU KNOW? - I ADDED VIDEOS!

How fun is this?

I've added videos to my blog!

Check them out in my SideBar and embedded below!

SIDEBAR MUSIC VIDEOS
Look on my SideBar under my picture, and you'll now find "Music That Speaks To Me." There are two songs/videos that I would like to draw your attention to: Video Box #1 and #3. (Songs #2 and #4 are beautiful and well worth watching too, but I don't want anyone to get any "ideas" based on their lyrics (ahem - i.e. How I feel about Green. Smile.). I didn't pick those songs, and I can't remove them without removing the other songs that I do want to keep. The songs are truly lovely but they have no hidden meaning in regard to my life or feelings for someone. TMI? Oh well!)

Click on the first little video box, and you'll hear and see the song "Video" by India Arie. The lyrics are too good to pass up, so here they are in tiny letters to conserve space: [Verse 1] Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t/Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t/Depending how the wind blows/I might even paint my toes/It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul/[Chorus]I’m not the average girl from your video/And I ain’t built like a supermodel/But I learned to love myself unconditionally/Because I am a queen/I not the average girl from your video/My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes/No matter what I’m wearing/I will always beIndia.Arie[Verse 2]When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me/Every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to be/And I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on me/My feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes/I’m loving what I see/[Chorus]/[Verse 3]Am I less of a lady if I don’t where panty hose?/My momma said a lady ain’t what she wears but what she knows/But I’ve drawn the conclusion/It’s all an illusion/Confusion’s the name of the game/A misconception/A vast deception/Somethings got to change/Now don’t be offended/This is all my opinion/Ain’t nothing that I’m saying law/This is a true confession /Of a life learned lesson/ I was sent here to share with y'all/So get in when you fit in/Go on and shine/Clear your mind/ Now’s the time/Put your salt on the shelfGo on and love yourself/Cause everything’s gonna be all right/[Chorus]/[Outro]Keep your fancy drink, and your expensive minks/I don’t need that to have a good time/Keep your expensive cars and your caviar/All I need is my guitar/Keep your crystal and your pistol/I’d rather have a pretty piece of crystal/Don’t need your silicone/ I prefer my own/What god gave me is just fine…Awesome message! Click on the third little box and you'll see and hear the song "Ready for Love" by India Arie as well. Is she not absolutely gorgeous? Another great message in that song. The song "Video" is a nice homage to my blog's new "video" section (Tee-Hee), and the message couldn't be more empowering and "real" for women! Listen closely, Ladies, it applies to all of us! I love India Arie.

When you click on the boxes, a little video will come up at the top of my blog page. You can listen to the music without watching the video if you prefer. There is a little link above the video which reads "i'm done watching this" to turn it off when the song is finished, but I would LOVE to get in there and change that small "i" in "i'm" to the proper "I," but I don't know how. :( That is the English Teacher in me, for sure!

Stay tuned for more great music!

DID YOU KNOW? VIDEO
As to the video embedded down below in today's post, it is entitled "Did You Know?" and it is the more recent of the several at YouTube having just been posted 3 months ago. You will be amazed by the information! I saw the "older" 8 month old version three different times at various Professional Development Sessions and found it fascinating. Go check that one out at YouTube.com too. It was posted 8 months ago and has almost one million hits by now.

The information in the video below is more recent and has a few more visual references. I hope you think the info is really interesting too!

Please leave a comment!

DID YOU KNOW?

The information in this video is amazing. I have watched it three times in various Professional and Teacher Development Conferences. Take a look, and tell me what you think!

LIGHT-HEARTED QUIZZES

Here are some light-hearted quizzes that I thought I might take to pass the time tonight while I wait for Green to finish work, pick up and love on his kids, eat dinner, and get ready for a big, busy weekend:

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain. People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can have strong feelings, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. Your feet may be on the ground, but your head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself. (I don't know about this one. Does that make me "full of myself"?) Your near future is likely to be filled with great successes and accomplishments. You just need to figure out how to get there. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

You Are 44% Intuitive

Your intuition is often right, and you use it more than you may realize. Your gut feelings are usually a good guide, but you need more to go on when making a decision. You'll often check to see if the facts back up your feelings. And when your intuition is wrong, you work to improve it for the future.

You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true" You're one laid back chica - and men love that! Just remember that no good guy likes a doormat. So if you find your self going along to get along... Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

Your Love Type: INFJ

The Protector In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship. For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls. Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in. However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself. Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

I'M IN PAIN, BUT. . .

"A Shout-Out To My Pain "



I'm in pain. . .



* in my left kidney, but the kidney stone is moving down. I am trying to take my mind off the waves of gnawing pain there by writing here. It has been awhile since I last had a kidney stone.

* over my Dad, the distance, and his terminal cancer.

* with my doubts.

* in regard to my finances. I think I suck at managing my finances, and, yes, I said suck. (That's my version of cursing. Hmph.) The medical costs for the diabetes, my overly generous nature and gift-giving, my spending on my classroom and students, my relatively-new puppy, and just wanting to enjoy "little" things (which I haven't done in forever now) all add up in a way that leaves me in debt and living paycheck to paycheck more than I care to say.

* because I want to believe in the Fairy Tale, but Life is less about the dream than the hard reality of most things.

* because I'm not feeling like my usual upbeat and energetic self right now, and that makes me feel even worse. This kind of pain wears on my positive outlook.

* because I feel condemnation knocking on my mind and heart's door because I not overcoming these things very well in prayer like I feel I should.

"A Shout-Out To My Sweet, Ever-Present, and Helpful Lord"

Even in the midst of all these things, I must remember:

* The Stone: This too shall pass. Literally.

* My Dad: Even when I don't understand, God is faithful, and the steps of a good/righteous man are ordered by the LORD: and He delighteth in his way. Psalm 37:23

* With My Doubts: For God has not given us a spirit of fear [or doubt], but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 - Same Scripture as for my Dad applies to me with my personal paraphrase: My steps are ordered by the LORD: and my Sweet Lord delights in me.

* My Finances: Finances are a reflection of our stewardship of our time, devotion, and true love. This is an unresolved issue for me, but God is faithful, and on more occasions than I can count, He has truly "come through" for me in miraculous ways. I am reminded, however, of this: "If, then, you have not been true in your use of the wealth of this life, who will give into your care the true wealth?" Luke 16:11

* On the Fairy Tale: I want to believe. . ."But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yes be yes; and your no, no; so you don't fall into condemnation." James 5:12

* On A Positive Outlook: I must remember too: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

* With Condemnation: There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus. . .Romans 8:1.

A Song That Applies (I would love to put the audio up for this. How do I do this?):

"More Than A. . ." by Lisa McClendon from "Soul Music"

I have a seat
Take out my pen
Think to myself
Where do I begin?

So much to say
So little time
To describe you
In this simple rhyme.

More than I can think about
Beyond natural expression
What can I explain?
You supercede man's expectations
More complex than man's complications.

More than a wish
More than a dream
More than the words in this song I sing
More than a paycheck
More than a bill
More than the Finish Line
More than a Record Deal
More than what I own
Without you, it's in vain.
So much more than life
This is why I sing
More than the first
More than the last
More than my future
More than my past.

I know I might sound crazy
To some degree
But I wonder
What it is you see in me?
What can I give you?
I don't own a thing
And that which I own
I got it through Your name

So Simple as Love
But I can't understand it
I guess that's how you planned it

Somehow in your arms
Is where I landed.

ARROGANCE, ABANDONMENT, and ADORATION

A variety of thoughts are kicking around in this head. . .

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ON ARROGANCE:

When I first started teaching high school in 1994, I knew I had a gift.

It wasn't taught to me. It wasn't a test that I studied. I didn't "catch" it.

It was an innate gift - a natural ability to present information in a clear and entertaining way and motivate my audience.

I did study English and American Literature in college, and I did study Secondary Education.

Even though I felt like I had this "gift," I was never arrogant or rude to any other teacher. I was mindful to receive and be a good student and steward of the gift myself.

In my heart, though, I thought I "had" it. I gave myself more credit than I should have at that time.

I am seeing another new teacher with this tendency, but the arrogance is not hidden in the heart but much more obvious.

Since 1994 I have learned a thing or two about the many colors within and broad spectrum of quality teaching and unique and creative techniques. I have learned this from many other experienced and veteran teachers. In the process, my heart has been properly humbled by how I didn't know everything I thought I knew.

I believe in Life-Long Learning. You can always learn from others, but you have to be open to it.

Teachers are some of the most notorious students. They tend to be lowsy students. Really. They (we) tend to think they can teach the topic better. They critique the other teacher's delivery and knowledge. It happens, but not all do it. I'm not one of them that does this, because I'm so aware of the tendenc in others.

In this very new teacher, I see a bit of condescension. I am all for confidence but not an elitist attitude toward other veteran teachers. Such a new teacher doesn't realize all there is yet to learn.

This condescension would be a good trait to get rid of quickly.

Hopefully, that happens.

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A WOMAN'S LONELINESS and ABANDONMENT:

I want to quote from a book I've been reading entitled Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. The whole book is fascinating, but this little section spoke to me, and I found it fascinating:

What is this thing in me -- and in most men -- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? You are too much. Too Hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier. And isn't that just the message you've lived with all your life as a woman? "You're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort."

Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear - failure. Oh, he may joke about "the differences of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. "I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But, I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so here is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close.

The effect is that most women feel alone.

What John and Stasi together have described here is really what I dealt with in my previous marriage. My ex-husband kept me very distance, because of his fear of intimacy.

I don't think my experience is unique at all. I think what is written above is true for most women. I think most women somewhere deep feel inadequate whether they would ever admit it or not.

If you haven't read this book, I would highly recommend it.

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I'M THANKFUL FOR YOU:

One thing that I can say with a hopeful air is that I know a certain male who hasn't held me at a certain distance and has been quite open with and interested in me.

For that, I am most grateful and equally excited about the potential and possibility.

POSTCARDS and PEOPLE WITH SECRETS

As I went to post a new blog entry for today, I paid attention to my Dashboard page.

Blogger is featuring the fourth installment of a graphic art and word book entitled PostSecret: A Lifetime of Secrets. This book is a compilation of postcards sent to the author by college art students each one featuring some type of secret. The project, as most neat projects do, became far wider reaching.

Blogger linked to the author Frank Warren's blog site, because he posts new postcards there each week apparently. Who knew?

I will do the same, because some of the postcards are fascinating.

Here it is: http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

I do not endorse the content of all the secrets, but the project is a fascinating one, and they are, after all, secrets.

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Speaking of secrets. . .

When I had to make a long trip a few weeks ago by car to another state for personal business, I stopped at a Wendy's to get some lunch.

As I drove away from the establishment, there was a young female employee in her 20s perhaps seated outside the door with her legs up and her arms on her knees. She was smoking a cigarette and had her head back leaning against the wall.

The image of this woman has stuck with me, because I don't know if I have ever seen a more hopeless face on a person. She didn't look angry or necessarily sad, but she did look utterly hopeless as if she'd given up.

I regret that I didn't stop that day and speak with her. If nothing else, I could have at least told her that I "noticed" her sitting there or offered a hug.

I noticed her, and I'm still noticing her in my mind.

Would her knowing this have made her (or make her now) feel a little less hopeless?

Would this gesture on my part have made all the difference?

I'll never know, because I let the moment pass. . .

But the moment isn't letting my mind pass.

FONDUE, FAILURE, and FONDNESS

Please indulge me whilst I kick around various thoughts here. . .

[Note: If you're looking for the gratuitious shout-out to Green, scroll down to the end of this post, and you'll be satisfied. Tee-Hee. That's a Green Tee-Hee. (((((Big Hug)))) and : ) Smile!]

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Introducing My Friend Fondue:

My friend - a fellow teacher, gifted artist, creative photographer, and a dedicated Yankees fan (of which I was not completely aware) - decided to join us here at Blogger. She has her own page which I would like to direct you to: www.FonduePrincess.blogspot.com This is of great comfort to me.

Fondue sought me out initially to keep up with me and keep tabs on Green because he was "cutting in" on our friendship time together.

Good friends will do that, you know.

She realized that Green was a Red Sox fan, and, oh boy, are they having "fun" playing off of that age-old Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. Even Fondue's significant other Sean has joined in on the fun. He is a life-long, riotous lover of those Yankees. He is from New York City, and his family still lives there.

I'm sorry, Fondue and Sean, for the Yankee's loss last night after the initial loss.

This is one of those times when I wish I could comfort all those who mourn the loss of their favorite sports teams with wins for everyone, but that isn't the way competitive sports works. The variety of wins and losses makes the experience a full range of emotion.

Green is having a continued glorious time with his Red Sox, though! (And Boston College is doing really well sitting at #7 as well!)

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On Feeling Like a Failure:

Have you ever felt like a failure?

I do in regard to three things right now.

(1) My sweet, relatively-new-since-July 18th Westie puppy Riley
(2) Using the telephone to reach out to people I do love
(3) My finances

Yes, I feel like a failure in regard to these things.

I hope you don't mind if I divulge.

(1) MY PUPPY: I know that I'm not really a failure in regard to #1. I love my puppy, and I walk him, play with him, love him, feed him, bathe him, get him fun toys, take him to the doctor, and discipline him. I am a huge Cesar Millan fan (National Geographic Channel's "The Dog Whisperer"), and I believe in Cesar's mantra of "Exercise, Discipline, and Affection" in that order. I know that I must be his Pack Leader. I take Cesar's advice seriously, but I guess the learning curve is a lot longer than I thought. Things aren't falling into place quite as quickly as I would have liked. Granted, I've only had him since July 18th, but, still, Cesar makes it look so easy. In five minutes (at max), he can change a dog's life-long bad habits. Riley is a puppy going through a "chewing phase," and my bed set (nice down comforter and pleated bed skirt) has taken the lower brunt of my dog's canines. That's no good.

No good at all.

(2) THE TELEPHONE: The telephone is a little more complicated for me. A lot less straightforward. I am a terrible phone person. TERRIBLE. Not on the phone. I'm fine on the phone. In fact, I'm too fine. I'm a good conversationalist on the phone. If there is silence on the phone (which I hate! HATE!), I fill it up because it makes me uncomfortable. People like to chat on the phone with me, but it typically doesn't take long to realize that I'm hard to get ahold of. It's not anything personal. Really, it isn't. I promise. Some people can multi-task while on the telephone. I'm not really one of those. When you have me in a conversation, I'm all yours. I'm there, and this doesn't translate well on the phone for me if I have a lot of calls from people. I can't even multi-task in relation to listening to phone messages (of which, here recently, I get a lot). The phone feels overwhelming to me very often. Calls. Messages. At the end of a long day at work, I sometimes feel so tired and worn out that the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone (unless, another here recently, it's to Green - talking to him is completely different - completely - and my dearest friends Aimee and Jen).

Here's the catch, though: For my family, the telephone is one of the ways to stay in touch, but I am more of an e-mail and internet kind of person. I e-mail with the best of them. I'll reply to your e-mail in a heartbeat. I'm very good about responding to e-mail, and all of my family has e-mail, BUT (and here is where the problem lies) most of them don't see e-mails as valid as phone calls. I do, though. I know, I know. . .It's not the same as my voice, but I can give you all the info with flair about my life in an e-mail too, I think. When my family speaks of keeping in touch with me, they generally speak angrily that I am not very thoughtful when it comes to the phone and calling them, etc., etc. They are right in the regard that I'm not spot on with returning calls, but not that I don't care. I do care. This neglectful tendency with the phone has always been that way with me - teenager, college, career, etc. That is nothing new nor is it anything personal, but they tend to think in terms of me being a failure in this regard, and they do take it personally.

I really, really love the people who I don't speak with on the phone.

I really do. . .

So, I am currently feeling like a failure in this regard too.

I do care for them.

And I'm asking why I struggle so with the phone?

(3) FINANCES: As hard as I try, I feel like I no sooner get ahead only to fall back to paycheck to paycheck in managing my finances. Routine medical bills with the Type 1 Diabetes, getting sick, my puppy (now), regular bills, debt, housing costs, car payment, car repairs, car upkeep, increased gas cost, classroom supplies - the list goes on. I am fortunate in that I don't have that much debt, but the cost of living swallows up whatever I make. It seems like everything is more expensive every year. I think this is true, but shouldn't inflation be proportional to our paychecks? Anymore, my budget is so tight that it's a luxury - LUXURY - just to go out once in a pay period to a regular (nominal?) restaurant like a TGI Friday's or Olive Garden with my friends. I haven't done this in a very, very long time. VERY LONG. It seems like it's all I can do to buy my groceries and toiletries week to week, let alone go out for a social meal and fellowship with friends. My social meal and friends are at home on the couch with my dog. Hmmmmm. . .

Don't get me wrong. I have a savings account and retirement. I'm not money "dumb," but it just seems harder than ever to manage the finances, you know?

I want the "little" luxuries of dinner with friends, a Green Tea Latte at Starbucks, a night at Barnes and Noble or Books-A-Million, an occasional awesome Christian or Jazz CD or download, and an occasional new book. I want these experiences while I live, but I can't do that AND live - survive - right now.

I haven't done or purchased any of these recently.

I promise.

Ask Green. He knows because we've been on the phone nonstop for practically two months. : )

Well, there you go. It's not earth-shattering. I haven't solved the National Debt.

These are just my three issues that I'm trying to muddle through and get some clarity on.

Any thoughts or suggestions???

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Green in Blue:

Can I say AGAIN how much I like Green???

I will anyway even without permission.

This part should probably be green, but talking to him feels like the beauty of the blue sky.

Crisp.

Clear.

Refreshing.

Invigorating.

Enlivening.

Mental Cob-Web Cleansing.

Limitless.

Awwww. . . .Yes.

Limitless.

A SHADE OF GREEN. . .

If you're here visiting, and you haven't already stopped by previously, I would dare say it is because of Green's most recent post.

Awwww. . .Green. . .I like that color.

Always have.

I digress, though.

Actually, "WELCOME!" and "Thank You for Stopping By!"

Some of you have seen me scrolling around and leaving a few comments here and there since September 2nd when I first officially joined Blogger at Green's suggestion.

I must give props to Dabich for "catching on" or, at least, asking about me. American Guy wanted the whole story about why exactly Green didn't even watch the Rookie's "No Hitter" Game because we were talking. I was a little surprised about that myself, AG, that Green didn't watch the game but quite happy to spend the evening talking to him! Although Green is quite the loyal Red Sox and Patriots Fan, he has also been quite conversationally accessible to me during his games, and I love that! Give the man points for this! (I do like to watch football, though, but am not much of a televised baseball lover.)

Since August 24th, we have talked nightly (with the exception of two nights) on the phone for at least three hours at a stretch, and that is at a minimum. That is not including Friday and Saturday nights when work is not an issue, and we can keep talking longer than three hours if so desired.

Believe me, I - we - are as shocked as anyone at how much we have to say to each other.

As we've said to each other, we never knew we had so much to say.

It's simply wonderful to love to talk to someone as much as I love talking to him. He seems to feel the same way too! This is even with my head saying, "Stop it! This can't be real. Don't talk to him so much. You can't really be all that much alike and compatible."

We do seem to have a lot in common, though, in terms of our personalities and the way we approach things. We're as baffled by it too. E-Harmony, so far, has done an exceptional job.

No, we haven't actually met, and he addressed this in his post. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, but we have both sent lots of pictures to each other, and I welcome you to scroll down on my blog to see my three slide shows for further pictures. I don't think I'm an ogre, and based on the pictures he has sent me, I definitely don't think he is any type of slouch (NOT by a LONG shot! I actually think he is quite attractive - Which he knows I think!), so perhaps we have a decent start physically and in terms of chemistry.

We'll just have to wait and literally see.

This story is still unfolding, but it sure seems to be an interesting one at that.

Any thoughts out there in Blogger Land???